The going gets better, and then tough again

It´s cliche, but it really has been a roller coaster these past few days.
Saturday I stopped short, going 19km, because my feet simply were not allowing me to continue. Then Sunday and Monday I was able to go 33 and 30km, respectively, which was great. Sunday actually felt pretty good most of the time, and I seemed to recover quickly. Yesterday was horrible, probably my worst day so far. I was doing alright, walking with a new group, but we were taking it very slowly. We had gone about 22km by about 3:00, and stopped at a bar with a patio to take a break, where we could take our shoes off and the guys could get several big beers. At 3:45 I was still debating on whether to continue to the next town, but they were convinced (due to their documentation) that the town was only 4km away. My book said 7.6. I felt like I could manage 4, I wasn´t so sure about more than that. They convinced me to come along, and it turns out my book was right. I was about to have a nervous breakdown by the time we reached the albergue, like if anyone asked me how I was doing I would simply start bawling. I was in extreme pain the rest of that night, even after taking 4 Aleve and rubbing some rejuvenating cream on my feet. I woke up today with feet that were still very sore, so I only came 15km. I had started to catch up to where I wanted to be, but today I just couldn´t hack it. I´m hoping the break will allow for better days ahead.
I´ve nearly resigned myself to taking a bus at some point to make up for lost distance, but it brings several nagging questions that don´t really have answers. Why do this to myself, put myself in so much pain, every day for nearly a full month, if I´m just going to take a bus to finish it? What´s the point of all this, then? Everyone keeps telling me that this is going to be a life-changing experience, which is what I´ve been looking for, but what if it isn´t? And what if it´s not because I took a bus? Will I feel like it´s something I didn´t do right, didn´t complete, if I don´t walk the entire distance? I´m afraid I will. Or maybe I´m already changing.
It´s hard for me to see beauty surrounding me when I hurt as much as I often do. People around me will be taking pictures of a landscape that just doesn´t excite me, or say comments ("what a wonderful life!") that I just can´t get behind at the moment. Do they not hurt as much as I do? Are they better at finding and appreciating good things around them? Are they simply better people?
When I finally get to an albergue and they have an open bed for me, I am more thankful than at any other point in my life. Maybe there´s some beauty in that. . .

Some facts about gravel:
Gravel is the bane of my existance.
Gravel makes me want to cry.
Gravel is evil.

The pilgrim menus have been great, with two courses and dessert (does that then make it 3 courses?), bread, wine and water. The most I´ve paid for a pilgrim dinner is 11 €, most of them running 8-9 €. I guess that´s one good thing about living as a pilgrim - it´s pretty inexpensive, and you still eat well! :)


I thought of all of you on the 4th, wondering what your plans were for that day, figuring you´d be going to cookouts and barbeques, playing some sort of outdoor game like bocce, and watching the fireworks. I hope it was great! I tried explaining it a little to some of the people I´d met that day, and they seemed to appreciate all of it except for the tendency to wear red, white & blue. They were a little befuddled on that point.

I´m off to find a small snack before dinner. It´s only 4, and dinner isn´t until 7 or 8, depending on the place.